Pairing: none, OT12 (Baekhyun/Chanyeol/Chen, Jongin/Sehun/Lu Han, Kyungsoo/Yixing/Xiumin, Kris/Tao/Joonmyun)
Rating: PG-13 (for swearing)
Genre: Adventure, crack, attempts at humor
Summary: EXO has to find the airport
Author’s note: I cannot be the only one who has noticed the lost look on the members of EXO’s faces and it’s incredibly endearing, and I have the overwhelming urge to drop them off in the middle of nowhere in several locations around the globe to make them find the airport. I've never even played mapcrunch. (Mapcrunch is an addicting game provided by Google Street View that gives you a random location and has you guess exactly where you are. Bonus points if you find the airport?)
“Where, the fuck are we?”
“Calm yourself Jongin, we’re obviously still in Kore-“
“That’s obviously not Hangul written on that sign, hyung, and last time I checked midget horses didn’t roam around the woods.”
“Jongin, you idiot, those are ponies,” Sehun snaps. “And this is France.”
“How do you know this is France? For all we know this could be Bosnia and Herzegovina.”
“Point to me where Bosnia and Herzegovina is on the map.”
“Do we even have a map?” This was Lu Han.
“Alright, spell Bosnia and Herzegovina for me.”
“… Fuck you Sehun.”
“Alright!” Lu Han puts his hands up between the two magnaes to shut them up. “This is not the time for arguing and testing our skills in spelling. We are lost, not in Korea, not in France but we could be. Sehun ah, what makes you think we’re in France?”
Sehun shuffles his feet a bit and he looks at the sign again.
“The words on the sign look like they are romancing us,” he says. A pony brays behind them.
“I’m gonna fucking kick you in the teeth.” Jongin gripes.
Zi Tao doesn’t even last fifteen seconds before breaking out into a wail and Wu Fan is about to hammer toss the rapper into a building because he cannot concentrate with this kid crying.
“We’re lost!” Zi Tao sobs. They’re in a suburb and Wu Fan is looking at signs and trying to reassure Zi Tao and Joonmyun that they are in a country that has the grace to have their signs be translated into English.
“Do you know where we are?” Joonmyun tries his best to keep his face chipper and to ignore the blubbering magnae, who is attracting a few people walking by.
“Just a minute,” Wu Fan says. “Shut up Tao!” He says through gritted teeth. “You’re breaking my concentration!”
Zi Tao sniffs. “Gege, we’re lost!” He repeats. “We’re nowhere near the dorm, we don’t know the language-“
“You idiot the signs are in English!”
“-All we need to do is find a mall, and then we’d know where we are.”
Wu Fan rolls his eyes. Joonmyun looks at the both of them.
“He does have a point.” He says. Wu Fan looks at him.
“Malls have almost everything there, and they sell maps.”
“Joonmyun, he’s only saying we need to be at a mall because he wants Gucci.”
“Ooooohhhhhh.” Zi Tao sniffs behind them.
“So do you know where we might be?”
“We’re obviously in a European country,” Wu Fan strokes his chin and stares at the sign really hard, glaring and Joonmyun swears if Wu Fan keeps this glare up the sign is going to melt.
“So-“Joonmyun begins after five minutes
“We’re in a European country.” Wu Fan says finally. Joonmyun sighs and Zi Tao tears up again.
With their luck, they end up in Canada.
With their misfortune, they end up in Canada.
“Not sure how you know this is Canada,” Yixing says to Minseok as he stands on the side of the road with his thumb stretched outwards to hopefully attract a car passing through.
“I can just tell.”
Minseok looks at Yixing and confidence spreads over his face.
“I was the shit in World Geography class.” He says. Yixing wants to rub Minseok’s face into the pavement.
“I can go check if he’s right,” Kyungsoo offers. “There looks to be some hope of a building or something down over there.”
“This is the middle of nowhere,” Yixing states, gesturing widely at the air. “But be my guest.” Kyungsoo nods and walks into an open pasture and far off into the fields that neighbor some woods.
“How much do you wanna bet that we’re in Canada?” Minseok grins at Yixing and the dancer rolls his eyes.
“If we’re in Canada, I’m finding the nearest beaver and shoving it down your pants,” Yixing says. “If we’re anywhere else, I’m shoving whatever floral or fauna native to said nation down your pants.”
“Fair enough.” Minseok concentrates on holding his thumb out high to maybe simultaneously attract cars and even airplanes or helicopters.
Ten minutes of holding his arm out Minseok’s arm is tired and he sighs, putting it down and looking towards where Kyungsoo headed off.
“Kyungsoo!” He bellows. “What do your elf eyes see?!”
“Do you think we’re in the right situation to be making Lord of the Rings references?” Yixing hisses.
“We’re in Canada,” Kyungsoo calls back. Something has his attention.
“Did you hear what he said?”
“I heard Canada,” Minseok says.
“Get your ears cleaned when you get the chance, he obviously said Chile,” Yixing crosses his arms and calls out to Kyungsoo. “What makes you think we’re in Canada?” He asks.
“Uh,” the singer hasn’t turned to face them. “We better run?”
“I don’t want to burst into a sloppy rendition of Run Devil Run, Kyungsoo ah; I just want to find the airport.”
“MOOSE!” Kyungsoo screams and both Minseok’s and Yixing’s eyebrows rise.
“RUN! MOTHER OF FUCK JUST RUN!” Kyungsoo is barreling down towards them at full speed, screaming profanities and kicking up grass and now the two older boys are worried.
Two moose have sensed Kyungsoo and they deem him to be a threat, and now they are chasing him, antlers low and charging. Minseok and Yixing see and they scream and run, Kyungsoo hollering along with them.
“So,” Jongdae says after standing next to Baekhyun and Chanyeol for a few minutes. “Antarctica.” He hops a little to keep his blood flowing and himself warm in this multi-layered and insulated parka and snow pants.
“Antarctica,” Baekhyun nods, dressed in the same fashion as Jongdae.
“Look on the bright side,” Chanyeol smiles. “We could bring a penguin with us.”
“What the hell are we going to do with a penguin in our dorm Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asks.
“We’d figure something out. Oh, it’d be fun to have a pet penguin! We’d take a bath with it, feed it sushi, and train it to attack saesangs-“
“Chanyeol you are a wonderful soul but if you mention ‘penguin’ to me one more time I’m going to sacrifice you to Cthulhu.”
Chanyeol stares at Baekhyun for a moment, his giant eyes unsettling Jongdae and he’s not even in Chanyeol’s line of vision.
“Hard to not mention something that’s surrounded all around us.” Chanyeol says pointedly.
They’re standing on a rocky beach with a school of emperor penguins and Jongdae fights the urge to wrestle a baby penguin from its mother to cuddle it.
“How are we going to find the airport from here?” Baekhyun asks, stepping out of the way in time for a large penguin to jettison out of the water and slide onto the beach.
“We could ask the penguins,” Chanyeol suggests.
Baekhyun and Jongdae stare at the taller boy.
“You’re lucky Cthulhu hates cold climates,” Baekhyun says.
After getting out of the woods, the ponies tailing behind them, they find out they’re in Corsica from a farmer.
“Corsica,” Jongin repeats. Lu Han nods and Sehun is standing at the side staring off into another direction.
“So Sehun ah is wrong,” Jongin grins stupidly and Lu Han fights the urge to swat him.
The farmer comes back after a few minutes with his English speaking son and the son says in slow but careful English; that Corsica is an island governed by the mainland metropolitan France. Jongin’s grin dissolves from his face and Sehun is still staring off into space.
“So I was right,” Sehun says finally.
“I’m gonna fucking kick you in the throat,” Jongin snaps and stalks down the road.
The three are stopped by an elderly woman in an apartment complex yelling in a language neither of them understands. Joonmyun figures out she’s yelling at them because Zi Tao has gone from tearing up every five minutes to rolling helplessly on the ground and Wu Fan just watches him with interest. Zi Tao has ended up in a flower bed, smashing begonias and tulips.
“Sorry!” Wu Fan calls and picks Zi Tao up and dusts the boy off. “Pull yourself together right now and help us.”
“Do you know English?” Joonmyun calls to the elderly lady and the lady is now walking down the steps to yell at them some more.
“English?” He asks again and the woman swats at him and starts talking rapidly in a language they do not understand.
“She doesn’t know English,” Joonmyun says after the lady calms down.
“You asked her in Korean you dumb ass,” Wu Fan pushes him aside to greet the woman. “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but, where are we?”
The woman looks at them like they grew several cat heads and simply states, “Basel-Stadt.”
“What crock is she talking about?” Joonmyun asks and Zi Tao is about to lose it again. “Calm the hell down Zi Tao.”
“In die, Schweiz.” The woman gestures widely at the air and Wu Fan’s glaring again because he can’t help it.
“Die Schweiz?” Zi Tao is whimpering and shaking behind Wu Fan. “What now?”
“She’s speaking German!” the rapper says. “Oh god, oh god, we’re in Nazi Germany territory.”
“Oh for God’s sake the Nazis are long gone!” Joonmyun exasperates, and then looks at the woman. “Are they?”
“Die Schweiz,” the woman repeats. “Schweiz, uh, DACH, um….”
Wu Fan racks his brain to list the countries that has German as their main language. At least the ones that start with S’s.
“…. Switzerland?” He says after a while and the woman nods furiously and talks more in German.
“Switzerland,” Joonmyun says. “No wonder I feel so neutral.”
“A blizzard, here in Antarctica, who would’ve thunk?” Jongdae gripes as the wind picks up and the snows whirls around them. Normally Jongdae would revel in this as the snow looks very pretty swirling evenly and casting glimmers in the air, but it's below fourteen degrees Celsius (if they’re lucky) and the snow sprays into their faces and bites through their parkas.
“How do the penguins do it?” Chanyeol moans from up ahead.
“I’ve every mind to take a few penguins and tie them to my body to keep me warm,” Baekhyun moaned.
“Good luck with that, hyung, those beaks look sharp.”
They walk a few miles and Jongdae thinks they’re most likely going to freeze and become Korean icicles and one of them is going to have to die and be dinner for the other two. Jongdae leans toward Chanyeol, as he looks lean and tasty like a chicken leg.
Who knew the frigid climate could turn civilized people into cannibals?
“Hey!” Baekhyun shouts over the wind. “I see something!”
“Please tell me it’s a five star hotel with heating and a masseuse and a hot soup buffet.” Jongdae moans.
“Close- I see a fort!”
“Are you seeing mirages hyung because all I see is snow,” Chanyeol says.
“Over there you nimrods, look!” Baekhyun’s heavily gloved finger points to the far north, and beyond a giant snow bank, there’s a thatched roof buried in snow. How Baekhyun spotted that in this weather neither Chanyeol nor Jongdae know.
“It’s probably just a roof,” Jongdae says.
“Let’s go to it! Maybe there are people there.”
“Or mother polar bears with their hungry cubs that will ravage our bodies for a snack,” Chanyeol pipes up. Baekhyun ignores him.
They get closer and Baekhyun is right, it is a fort. He bangs on the metal door and yells for help and Chanyeol looks in the frosty windows, and sees darkness.
“I’ll break the window down to get us in!” Chanyeol finds a rock and goes to bash the pane-
“Chanyeol ah,” Jongdae stops him. “The door is open.”
“I fucking hate Canada,” Yixing gripes while stuck in a tree.
“You didn’t have to climb all the way up there, hyung,” Kyungsoo calls up to him when he got down from a branch. “The moose are gone.”
“No wonder Wu Fan infuriates me sometimes,” Yixing grumbles as he shimmies down the tree. “He comes from this godforsaken country.”
“Oh it’s not that bad,” Minseok says, wielding a branch that fell earlier. “This place has its charm.”
“Moose aren’t charming.”
“Neither are you so-“
“Would you two please quit fighting?” Kyungsoo looks exasperated. “Let’s just find the airport.”
Yixing sighs and grabs a stick from the ground and heads off into a clearing with Minseok and Kyungsoo trailing behind him. “There’s a house over there,” he says after a while.
“How do you know?” Minseok asks and Yixing just points over to the far horizon and sees a farmhouse and couple of trucks parked yonder.
Minseok and Kyungsoo kept quiet as the three trudged to the house, thinking over their English so they can ask directions to get to the airport.
Or at least, Minseok was thinking of something to irk Yixing.
“You think you’re all that and a bag of chips, huh?” He says randomly and Kyungsoo looks at the oldest boy with wide eyes.
Yixing doesn’t even turn around.
“Where is the airport?” Wu Fan asks for the eleventh time.
“Flughafen,” the older woman is still speaking German to them, animatedly pointing to a direction to the far right of them.
“What is Flughafen?” Wu Fan asks.
“Planes?” Joonmyun asks. The woman shakes her head.
“Flughafen could mean mall,” Zi Tao says quietly.
“Flughafen, Flugzeug,” the woman sighs. “Aeroporto?’
“Yes! Yes! Airport!” Wu Fan drops his glare and he jumps up and down excitedly. “Airport is over there, right?” He points. The woman says yes. “Alright we’re back in business.”
“Where is the airport?” Joonmyun asks.
Wu Fan proudly points to the direction.
“Well that narrows it down.”
“Chanyeol hyung said he wanted to come to France and perform right?” Jongin said to Lu Han as they walked into a small village. The native people of Corsica paid no mind to three young Asian boys in dirty shirts wandering aimlessly around town.
“Yeah, he says he wants us to have a concert here one day,” Lu Han confirms.
“Well, Chanyeol hyung can go fuck himself.”
“Wow it is dark in here.” Jongdae huddles up with Baekhyun and Chanyeol in the barren fort. There are wires and cables and equipment better suited for nuclear fission but there is no food in here.
“We’re gonna starve.” Baekhyun says simply.
“I could go out and brave the blizzard to go catch a penguin and we can eat it.” Chanyeol says hopefully.
“That’s literally the smartest thing that has come out of your mouth in a long time, but penguins have beaks and they will literally mess you up if you get too close.”
Silence. The wind screams outside and the snow swirls even harder.
“We’re gonna die, aren’t we?” Jongdae says after a while.
“I don’t want to die,” Chanyeol says. “I haven’t even visited France yet. I haven’t romanced a thick, robust older woman in the streets of Arcachon.”
“I nominate we eat Chanyeol in case we get hungry,” Baekhyun cuts in.
Fortune smiles upon the two leaders and the Wushu enthusiast. Luckily Switzerland has about five official languages, and after parting from the yelling German woman Wu Fan finds a young man who speaks perfect English and sets them up with a ride.
“Is he taking us to the airport?” Zi Tao asks, calming down.
“Yeah, he is.” Joonmyun says, leaning back in the seat of the car and sighing. He’s lucky they were in a country that spoke English, he could only imagine how horrible things would have been if they ended up in Antarctica or something.
“Let’s hope we get back home safely,” Wu Fan is cheery and talking animatedly with the man helpful enough to give them a ride to the international airport.
“When we get home I’m maxing out our company’s account by buying the rights to co-own Gucci,” Zi Tao says.
“I won’t stop you.”
They get to the farmhouse and all use stunted, basic English, with Kyungsoo chanting “airport, airport, airport.”
“We please need ride to airport,” Minseok says to the home owners, who are beyond surprised to see three Asian boys on their doorstep speaking garbled English.
“We’re,” Yixing clarifies, gesturing widely, “lost, very lost. Home is in Korea? We need ride to airport to go… home.”
“Bill collectors aniyo.” Kyungsoo chirps behind them.
The family closes the door in their faces after a moment.
“Kyungsoo you ruin everything.”
Dusk is approaching swiftly and the wind is picking up even more. Baekhyun’s teeth chatter and he buries his face into the lining of his coat, wishing there was a fire. Jongdae is rummaging around, finding only video equipment and manuals.
“We’re gonna die in a shack,” he said, “Might as well document it.”
Suddenly there is a lot of rustling outside and it rouses Chanyeol from his sleep and Baekhyun jumps. The door bangs.
“What was that?” Baekhyun asks, frantic.
“Probably just the wind?” Jongdae’s voice betrays him.
Something is banging on the door repeatedly.
“It’s probably flesh-eating yetis or a giant Wompa,” Chanyeol says, “This probably isn’t Antarctica this is most likely Hoth. We usually mistake those two anyway.”
“If it is a flesh-eating yeti I hope it eats you.” Jongdae snaps.
“We locked the door right?” This was Baekhyun.
“Pretty sure we did, but why don’t you go check it out for us?”
Jongdae shrugs. “You’re the oldest.” He says simply.
Baekhyun sighs and gets up, inching towards the door. The banging has stopped.
“Perhaps the wind like Jongdae ah said?” Baekhyun asks to no one.
Then the door bursts open and all three of the boys scream and Chanyeol curls into a ball (“It confuses the Wompas!” he cries) and Jongdae shrieks and throws cables at the open door.
“Whoa, whoa whoa!” Two figures in the doorway, dressed in thick clothing and heavy boots and carrying food and flashlights yelled at the three hysterical boys.
Baekhyun is the first to calm down. He squints and one of the figures turns on a switch and light engulfs the shack.
“Oh thank god,” Baekhyun breathes. “A Korean.”
“I hate France,” Jongin says. His feet ache and Sehun was given information that the airport was thirty kilometers away. “I hate France, I hate Corsica, and if I never see this goddamn island again it’ll be too soon.”
“Don’t be rude, hyung,” Sehun turns to him, frowning. “We’re not too far from the airport.”
“We can always hitch a ride,” Lu Han offers, looking for someone who didn’t look too annoyed at the idea of giving three boys a ride to the airport.
“I hate Corsica,” Jongin repeats. “I hate it I hate it I hate-“
A pretty girl walks by and Jongin forgets what he was complaining about.
“I love Corsica.”
They get to the airport in forty minutes and Wu Fan nearly cries because sure Switzerland is nice but if he doesn’t get back to Korea he might tear his hair out. Zi Tao gets carsick so when they park in the front of the airport the youngest wobbles out of the car, clutching his head.
“Don’t you throw up,” Joonmyun says. “I’m going to be sitting by you for a minimum of twelve hours and if you smell like regurgitated food and stomach acid while we’re stuck in a pressurized cabin I might kill you.”
“Aegyo won’t save you,” Wu Fan says, thanking the man profusely. “And if you need to throw up, wait until we find a bathroom.”
“But yay we’re going home!” Joonmyun smiles. “I’m going to take an hour long shower when we get back and you can’t stop me.”
“Jongin get back!”
“BUT I LOVE HER!”
“You don’t even know her name!”
“I CAN ALWAYS LEARN!”
“For Christ’ sake Jongin we got a ride to the airport GET IN THE DAMN CAR,” Lu Han thundered.
“… But, I’M IN LOVE,” like that was a fine excuse.
“I WILL RIP YOUR NUTSACK OFF LIKE A PAPER TOWEL HYUNG GET IN THE CAR.” Sehun screamed.
The two explorers (the Korean man told Chanyeol that they were nature film makers) promised the three boys that early tomorrow morning they’ll have them on a flight off the Japan airbase to Osaka, and then a flight back to Korea.
“We’re going home?” Baekhyun clarifies.
The man nodded, stirring instant ramen in a pot over kerosene burner. “Going home.”
“Oh thank god!” Jongdae tears up. “We thought we were gonna have to be living with the penguins for the rest of our lives, scrabbling for fish and making igloos and poking at polar bears-“
“Shut up Jongdae.”
Yixing scrabbles at the door and begs in Mandarin, Korean and warbled English to have the family take them to the airport.
“You don’t understand!” He cries. “Don’t you want this crazy Chinese guy off your doorstep and out of your country?”
“I don’t think they understand Mandarin, Yixing.” Minseok says. He hears something rumble and he looks to his right and sees the garage of the house open and a truck drive out. The father of the family climbs out of the truck and looks over to them.
“Airport?” Kyungsoo asks. The father nods.
Yixing and Minseok and Kyungsoo shriek and hug each other, then realize they’re making a scene in front of the man, and they let go and clear their throats.
“Right er,” Minseok says as they walk to the truck, “thank you very kamsa!”
“Oh god Minseok.”
Eventually all of them make it safely back to Korea, hair sticking at odds and ends and clothes rumpled and smelling of rank body odor but they all hugged each other and they told each other what they’ve been through.
“I never want to leave this glorious country,” Joonmyun spreads himself over the couch and sighs.
“I never want to see a penguin,” Baekhyun pipes up.
“I want to own a penguin,” Chanyeol says.
“I think I have already mastered German,” Wu Fan claims.
“I hate your country Wu Fan,” Yixing snaps.
Jongin is quiet and when Lu Han tries to get him to speak, the dancer glares.
“What’s wrong Jongin ah?” Minseok asks.
Jongin sighs, and wipes his eyes with the corner of his shirt.
“I fell in love,” he said, “but then I had to go to the airport.”